There's Something About MARY SUE!
by ermalope
Summary: It's a Mary Sue parody! Those are always fun. So Mary Sue comes in search of love. However, the Titans are very keen on getting rid of her... What happens when they discover a terrible secret? Well, nothing, but still...


_Oh haaaaaaaaay. So this is a Mary Sue parody written purely for fun and out of boredom. If you happen to not know what a "Mary Sue" is, I shall tell you – it's an OC, female, I think, who waltzes in, in her perfect outfit with her perfect hairdo with her perfect mannerisms, and everyone loves her. Usually she's flawed in some way, like – she's too perfect._

_I do have a __**warning**__ for you: OOCness, esp. for Robin. Tee hee, OOC Robin makes me laugh, I can't help it. D:_

_

* * *

_

"That's it," she said. "That's it. I can't do this anymore." She sat down on the T-couch angstily. "You have to choose between us."

Three of the Titans stared at her.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Beast Boy.

"Are you that stupid?" said Raven, smacking him on the back of his head. "It's Mary Sue!"

Beast Boy gasped; Cyborg groaned, "Oh, no, not you again!"

"Hey, yeah, I thought we got rid of you when we shoved you in the freezer and went and hid in that really small cave!" Beast Boy said suddenly.

"Beast Boy, we agreed never to speak of that again," Raven muttered.

"Oh, right."

"Tis true, Titans. I escaped from the freezer with my phenomenal powers, and then I was very sad because I thought that you considered me to be the weakest member of the team, so I went to China to improve my incredibly martial-arty martial arts technique. Alas, 'twas in vain, for I was not happy at all without my very best friends!" With that, she burst into graceful tears and she only looked more beautiful and helpless, even though she was virtually indestructible.

"I am sad," she said sadly, placing a dramatic hand over her head as she hopped off of the couch and glided past the three disgruntled, silent Titans.

"Aren't you going to ask _why_ I am sad?"

"Do you have every aspect of your life planned out?" Cyborg asked irritably.

Mary Sue, who had pale skin that perpetually smelled like roses, sapphire coloured eyes, ebony black hair that grew to her knees, and full, blood-red lips that were now opened in the intention of answering Cyborg, started and stared at the sound of Starfire's voice: "Robin is stuck in the toilet again…. He is in need of assistance…." Starfire was halfway through the door when she finally saw Mary Sue.

"You."

"You," Mary Sue echoed.

"Um… bye," Beast Boy said, leaving.

"Get back here," Cyborg said; he grabbed Beast Boy and held him still.

"Sigh," sighed Robin, walking into the room, drenched in liquid.

All looked at Robin.

"EEEEEEEK! I MEAN AAAAACK! I MEAN – but – but – Mary – Mary – Mary – Mary – SUE!" Robin screamed, clawing at his throat unnecessarily.

"Yes, we're aware of that," Raven muttered.

"But – but – but – but – I though we got rid of her!" Robin said desperately.

"Apparently she escaped the freezer," Raven said.

"But what about the cliff?" Robin asked wildly.

"I can fly!" Mary Sue said sweetly.

"The hippo?"

"I moonlight as the famous animal trainer, Leibnitz Von Straussenhacken."

"The assassin?"

"My split personality, Dark Mary Ebony Sue."

"THE MONSTER TRUCK?" Robin yelled.

"I dodged the wheels."

Robin stared at her for a moment, then looked up at the heavens and frothed, "WHY, GOD, WHY?" He cleared his throat. "Uh, what I mean is – I'm tickled pink to see you again!" What followed was a very fake giggle that sounded much more like a foot squishing a rotten zucchini.

"Oh, ROBIN! I KNEW you'd be happy to see me!" Mary Sue shrieked stupidly.

The other four Titans sighed as she pulled Robin into a huge hug.

"So, as I was saying," began Mary Sue happily. Suddenly, she was sobbing her eyes out all over Robin's shoulder. "You have to choose between us! YOU HAVE TO!"

"Um… What?" Robin asked, alarmed.

"Because I simply cannot do this anymore," Mary Sue said, ignoring him.

"I'll go get the bazooka," Beast Boy said conspiratorially to Raven and Cyborg.

"Remember to disguise it as a fruit basket," Cyborg whispered.

Raven rolled her eyes.

"Mary Sue… First of all, get off, and second of all, please be specific." Robin said, trying to be kind (for some unknown reason) as Beast Boy left the room.

Mary Sue sat down hard on the couch. "Okay, remember that time I was up on the balcony and you were down on floor level and I was really scared that that little Juliet bitch was going to steal you away from me?"

"That would be Romeo and Juliet," Raven said dully.

"Oh," she said thoughtfully. "Well… Oh, yes, it was that time when Slade was about to kill me and you rushed in to save me."

"No, we watched and cheered Slade on," Cyborg said unhelpfully.

"You're so funny!" Mary Sue said happily to Cyborg. "Well, it was then that I knew your romantic interests were torn, Robin, because Starfire was barely hanging on to her life. But in the end, you chose to save me over taking care of her."

"I was in most perfect condition!" Starfire said indignantly. "And Robin was not even there!"

"Yeah, he was baking blueberry pie!" Cyborg added.

"NO HE WASN'T!" Mary Sue yelled dangerously. "Anyway… Robin, I have come to tell you that you must choose between Starfire and I."

"Mary Sue! I have a delicious fruit basket for you!" Beast Boy said cheerfully as he returned into an atmosphere of intense drama and uneasy silence. "Um…"

Mary Sue ignored Beast Boy. "If you choose me, Starfire must leave forever. But if you choose… Starfire…." She seemed to be having a difficult time with this. "I shall…" She sobbed. "I shall leave and never return. Ever."

There was a three second silence, and then Raven, Beast Boy and Cyborg yelled together, "Choose Starfire!"

"No! Why do I have to choose between you two? I like you both as friends." Robin said quickly.

"FRIENDS?" shrieked Mary Sue. "FRIENDS? WE ARE IN A LOVE TRIANGLE!"

"Ooo, what's that?" Robin asked, his eyes as big as dinner plates.

"A TRIANGLE OF LOVE!" Mary Sue shrieked. "I love you, and Starfire loves you and you love only one of us! CHOOSE NOW!"

"Again, choose Starfire." Beast Boy said.

"Fine, I choose Starfire, but that does not mean we were ever in a love triangle!" Robin said.

Mary Sue barely flinched. "Best two out of three."

"NO! I'm not doing this, I – Mary Sue." Robin said flatly.

"WHAT?" shouted Raven, Beast Boy and Cyborg.

"WHAT?" screamed Starfire rather uncharacteristically.

"Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Sue. "Now choose once more."

It was as if they were watching a very exciting chess game where the king was about to be checkmated. Robin pursed his lips, screwed up his eyes and hummed, the theme from Star Wars.

Five hours later, he yelled, "I'VE CHOSEN!"

Beast Boy woke with a start. Cyborg abandoned his video game. Starfire looked up from the couch, and Raven glared. Mary Sue was sitting right beside Robin, staring at him faithfully.

"I CHOOSE… Mary Sue!" Robin announced.

"YOU MORON!" shouted Beast Boy.

Raven shook her head. Cyborg looked at Starfire.

Starfire was in shock. But then….

"No, wait, I meant to say Starfire," Robin said quickly.

"NO!" Mary Sue screamed.

"Actually, never mind, I meant Mary Sue." Robin added.

"My God, he's an idiot," Raven said helplessly.

"ALL RIGHT!" cheered Mary Sue.

**

* * *

**

Months had gone by, and they had been wildly depressing months for Beast Boy, Raven, and Cyborg. Mary Sue had redecorated the Tower so that it looked like an enchanted shopping mall/flower garden/tropical paradise/ice castle. Mary Sue was the interior design World Champion. She had her own personal stylist named Slav who moved into Starfire's room and yodelled long into the night. Mary Sue was the world's best piano player, and she would accompany him some nights much to the Titan's despair.

Robin was starting to regret his decision. It was partly because Sue had refurnished the work-out room for her own spa, partly because she clung to him at all times, begging him to save her from the evil Slade (even though she was indestructible), and partly because Raven, Beast Boy, and Cyborg never stopped glaring at him. It was worse than that Red X fiasco.

Raven smashed windows accidentally on occasion, certainly an expression of how much she missed Starfire. Cyborg wiped his eyes a lot. Beast Boy sobbed enthusiastically while he cradled a depressed and crooning Silkie. Robin would walk in on them like this, say, "Hey, guys," uncertainly with a little wave, and they instantly cold shouldered him.

Mary Sue was oblivious.

This all changed one stormy night, when a dripping, panting Starfire appeared in the living room (which was now Mary Sue's personal mini put).

"STAR!" Cyborg and Beast Boy screamed, fists in the air. Even Raven smiled.

"Starfire, you're back!" Robin exclaimed happily and a little bit sheepishly.

Mary Sue glowered. "According to the rules, you were supposed to be gone forever," she said icily. Her ebony black hair was in an up-do that Marie Antoinette would have raised her eyebrows at.

"Well, Mary Sue, according to THIS, you were not supposed to be here in the first place!"

Starfire held up an intimidating book, made of solid iron (even the pages), locked ominously with chains and barbed wire, that was for some reason glowing and emitting a chorus of Holy Voices. The golden title read, "CANON."

"NO! NOT THE CANON!" Mary Sue shrieked, and it was now she who clawed at her throat. "MY ONLY FOE!"

"Friend Mary Sue, do not be so upset. There is room for you with us, but you cannot be so… you…ish."

"Yeah, dude, I'm all about a new team member, but could you… tone it down, a little?" Beast Boy said, with a friendly smile.

"NO!" And it was not Mary Sue who shouted this, but… Robin.

"Ughhhh," said Beast Boy, Raven, and Cyborg.

"Robin?" asked Starfire, wide-eyed. Mary Sue beamed.

"I – the truth is – I like her. Just a little bit."

They were flabbergasted.

Robin shifted uncomfortably. They only stared at him, jaws dropped, disbelieving. Only Mary Sue was not shocked – she was batting her eyelashes at him.

"Like, a little, tiny bit."

They were still open-mouthed.

"SHE SNEEZES OUT DIAMONDS, GUYS! COME ON!"

No one spoke for a full year.

_

* * *

Don't ask me what they said after the year was up, because I do not know. D:_


End file.
